Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cret taking it all in...

It's been months since I told Cret that I thought Jacob was autistic.  At first he told me that he didn't agree.  Later, he said that if Jacob is autistic we were just going to work really hard and help him.  No matter what he has said about it, its been positive and loving.  Cret is what I like to call a "manly" man.  Not a lot of emotions, just strong and work oriented.  Last night, however, I had him read my blog.  I had downloaded pictures and he read every single post to the beginning.  Then something amazing happened....He cried.  He cried for one of the first times in our marriage.  I think the last time I saw him cry was right before our wedding when my sister lead him to Christ.  So I am just standing there, feeling like I want to jump up and down because it finally seems like we are on the same page, but obviously not doing that because that would be scary and a little awkward.  So I gave him a hug and asked him why he was crying and he just said, "Jacob."  I didn't know what to say.  I wanted to be a girl and say..."What about Jacob?" "Which part made you sad?" But I restrained myself because I didn't want this to be the last time he'd ever cry.  The reason I'm writing this is because as a woman, I want to be able to share everything about my feelings with my husband and I want him to understand everything that I'm feeling.  But God made us different.  God didn't make Cret a super emotional crier like He made me.  So what do you do when you feel like your husband doesn't understand?  I don't have all the answers to that, but what I do know is that you communicate what you can to your husband and then you find a friend or support group or blog that you can write about it.  Get some clarity.  Reread your thoughts so you can change your thinking in alignment with God if you see that you are heading the wrong way or write them to get your thoughts out.  When I feel like crying for hours, I start reading a mommy blog or writing my own and I feel better.  Of course I turn to my Father in hard times too and pray.  Who better can understand our sadness than God, who sent His son to die a brutal- death for us?  When I think about that, when I read about how Jesus suffered, my pain doesn't seem so bad.  Actually it makes me thankful.  I'm trying to keep a thankful heart through all of this.  Even when I'm crying my eyes out and Cret is looking at me like I'm a basket case, I am trying to stay thankful for him and my kids and for God.  God is so awesome.

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