Wednesday, May 27, 2015


I'm still shaking. 
Words can't express the sheer terror when I heard those words, "We lost Jacob!". 
Frantically, we all ran around searching for him.  For some reason I panicked and didn't know what to do until someone screamed at me to run outside to look for him.
I froze. Why did I freeze?  What is wrong with me?
 Thankfully, someone else already had Jacob in their arms outside.  I turned and saw that the gate to the parking lot, the parking lot right beside the busiest street in town, was wide open.  I just started to sob.
It could've gone so much differently.  That is what kept going through my mind yesterday, last night, this morning.  He could've gotten lost or worse, he could have died.  It's my greatest fear.  And this isn't an unjustified fear. This is a genuine stressor that my family deals with each and every day, every minute that we have Jacob.  He has an insatiable desire to run off.  He is quiet as a mouse and is waiting for an opportunity and is smart enough to escape almost anywhere. He has no concept of danger at all.  He will run straight into a body of water, though he can't swim.  He will dart out into traffic, with no fear at all.  If we take our eyes off of him, he is gone. 

To make matters worse, I decided to go to Chick Fil A after (we have been there many times) and Jacob had a horrible time.  The kids were hungry and I wanted to just relax and wind down and let them eat and play. We sat down and immediately Jacob started feeling uneasy.  He started climbing all over me and pulling my hair and grabbing at my face. I took him to the restroom only to find out they only have automatic flushers.  He refuses to use automatic flushers.  So he cried and cried and wouldn't go, so we went back to try to eat.  He has decided recently that he doesn't like meat much, so he hardly ate and I took him to the play area where he began to push kids out of the way to get up to the slide.  Even though he is small, I can't let him push kids, so I told him calmly that we had to leave since he was pushing and he totally had a melt down.  He twisted and turned his body, melting and screaming out in the eating area. He was moving so frantically that I had to sit down on the floor with him in front of a filled restaurant to try to get him to look at me to calm him down.  He slapped me and wiggled and wobbled and I somehow managed to make it back to the bathroom to try and calm him down.  In the bathroom he decided he was absolutely desperate for brown soap (this is a container of hand soap at our house).  Of course Chick Fil A doesn't carry the Hill Family brown soap container, so I told him they didn't have brown soap and he yelled at the top of his lungs "I want brown soap" over and over all the way out to the parking lot as everyone stared. Then we went home and he didn't even want the brown soap and started on a running frenzy around the house. I had to go to the restroom and when I came out I found poop all over the entryway. Out came the bleach.

This is autism. These are the things that autism families don't often share, but need you to know because sometimes instead of judgmental looks we just need a "you're doing ok".  The best thing someone said to me after Jacob wandered outside was "Oh my gosh that is so scary, I'm so sorry".  I knew he was ok.  I was extremely thankful that he was safe.  I definitely didn't need to be reminded to be thankful.  Trust me, each time we make it through a wandering event my heart is so full of thankfulness it could explode, but to hear just a sympathetic "Man that is scary" meant the world to me.  Yesterday was hard, it was really stressful, and it really took a toll on me.  I can't remember the last time I cried so much.

Then I cried again today.
Through all of my heartache and tears, I couldn't help but to wonder what to make of all this.  Surely, it is not in God's will for me to live in fear and anxiety over this all the time, but I do have real danger lurking around every corner.  I'm sure most people can agree that your child being in danger is a far greater struggle than even your own life being in danger. So, does this danger allow for me to live in fear and anxiety, does God want my life filled with fear and anxiety? 
Does the Bible say that since I have a "reasonable" reason to be anxious and scared, that I am then allowed to remain this way? NO WAY. Absolutely not.  I have to give this to God and trust in His sovereignty.  It is ok for me to be prepared for Jacob's challenges, but to remain in fear and anxiety is the opposite of trusting and having faith that God is in control.
What is the common thread to overcome anxiety and fear?  Jesus. Leaning on Jesus, focusing on things of God and not of this world. Trusting in the Lord and knowing that the future is not determined or changed by my worry. Satan wants to steel my joy and I refuse to allow it.  My God saved my child yesterday so I will rejoice in the Lord for his protection and pray for continued protection for him, all while trusting that God is totally in control no matter what happens.  I got completely wrapped up in anxiety for a brief time, but I am choosing Christ, I am choosing to let the fear go and to just read God's word and trust it.

Here are some verses on fear, anxiety and faith if you are struggling with the same thing.

Philippians 4:6-7
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 One day he got into a boat with his disciples, and he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side of the lake.” So they set out, 23 and as they sailed he fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water and were in danger. 24 And they went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we are perishing!” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and the raging waves, and they ceased, and there was a calm. 25 He said to them, “Where is your faith?” And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, “Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?” Luke 8:22-25

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies, 21 but test everything; hold fast what is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil.
23 Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. 1 Thes 5:16-24

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[g] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[h] for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28

12 So then, brothers,[e] we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons[f] of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:12-17
 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:5-8

 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2Tim 1:7

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[b] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:24-34