Everyone loves a good plan. I know I sure do. I like to think of every single scenario and plan around each one. I like to research and google and then come up with a plan that honors God, is good for the kids, and makes us happy (as happy as possible considering the situation). I don’t know that I take each of those into account for every plan, but for big plans, that’s usually the case.
I’d say that most of the time we are more successful and
productive when we make plans and follow through with them. So you’d better
believe that I make plans for Jacob’s life…therapy, goals, future…as much as
possible.
The thing about that is that our plans are almost always
thwarted. Every time I think to myself, “Hey, we are on the right track. Things
are going well and moving forward”, something happens. Something dreadful.
Something that really breaks my heart and crushes me.
That happened yesterday. Things are moving forward with
Jacob. He is nearing the end of what they think they can teach him at his
clinic. They told me we have maybe a year before he needs to transition to the
private school program that they have. They shadow kids in typical classes and
then have a breakout class for the more challenging subjects. It is a pretty unique
program. We enrolled Jacob into a homeschool coop to start learning how to work
with neurotypical peers and listen to teachers to prepare him for this HUGE transition…this awesome plan for his life and growth. Things were going great.
However, in my one on one with his therapist I was shocked
to learn that Jacob isn’t a candidate for the program anymore. All of this time
they’ve been telling me that is the goal. That’s where he is headed. Now, due
to his off-task behavior, low attending, and lower academic level, that isn’t
an option. In hindsight, I should’ve seen this coming. A part of me wondered
how he would do in that school, but I figured since the inclusion classes were just
specials, he would be ok.
For those wondering, several BCBAs have told me that Jacob isn’t
a good fit for public school yet either. It is a great option for some, but for
kids like Jacob it would be bad. He learns at a very fast pace, but his speech
limits him to learning in a very particular way. His behavior would suggest a
class with a much lower academic level than he is capable of. It isn’t the
first time a behavior analyst has told me that. I think we are up to 3 now. All
say the same thing.
Back to square one. How do I make a plan for this kid? How do
I make a plan knowing that it most likely won’t’ happen? After all, that’s been
the case time and time again. And how do I not lose complete hope here? Having a
plan equals success, right?
Each time this happens, I’m reminded that I have nowhere to
go but to HIM. I can’t run to a plan, because the plans are all screwed up.
Heck, there isn’t even a plan at all now.
Do you have some area in your life that is totally out of
your control? The unknowns are always the hardest. Gosh, any challenge with
your child is crushing, but especially those that you just have zero control of.
I was reading a poem from John Piper today that says:
Not
grace to bar what is not bliss,
Nor
flight from all distress, but this:
The
grace that orders our trouble and pain,
And
then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.
He explains that “Grace does not prevent pain, but orders
it, arranges it, measures it, and then, in the darkness of it, sustains us.”
WOW. It’s so true. Through all the years and all the
struggles and setbacks, God has sustained us and given us grace to stay
obedient, trusting, and joyful despite it. What’s more is He draws us closer to
Him in them and through them. I hope that one day I can reach a level of faith
that when a struggle comes, I welcome it and don’t initially run to fear, knowing
that God is just bringing us closer to Him. Maybe I’ll never reach that level,
but what I can do is remember all the times that He has worked these unplanned
trials out for our good, all the times He has surprised us with something
better or even something more difficult that grew us. Looking back on that
helps me to trust Him now.
I remember the time God sent Cret a job with insurance that covered
ABA out of the blue when we only had 1 month of therapy money left. I remember
that each time we lost insurance coverage after that, God opened a new door and
it worked out. I remember the time we prayed for answers to Jacob’s elopement
and then friends, family, and a superstar paid for his service dog. I remember
the time a new clinic that we had really wanted Jacob to attend finally had an
opening for Jacob and that month (after years and years) dropped their initial deposit
from $10,000 to only $1,000. We enrolled him right away. That’s really just the
tip of the iceberg. God has done some really amazing things for us in ways we
really couldn’t imagine. He’s also shown us that when things didn’t work out as
we’d hoped, we were ok because we had Him.
I may not have a plan now, but God always does. I am praying
desperately to keep that at the forefront of my mind, that HE has a plan for
our good and that it may not include answering my prayers the way I want them
answered. But He is trustworthy. When things are easy, I’m not always desperately
seeking. Maybe that’s why it isn’t easy so often. When will my stubborn brain
learn?
I wonder how many times will I be right back at this point? Maybe
a million, maybe a billion. But I would rather be desperately seeking Him then comfortable
without Him.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to
sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as
we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of
grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:15-16
God has a purpose for our family and that obviously includes
suffering and challenges. But God always shows up for us through it. Always.
