Saturdays with Jacob

 

Most Saturdays it's just me and Jacob. We go get breakfast or lunch and then drive over to Lee Road to watch the airplanes come in.

We really don't talk much. Sometimes barely at all. That's not what Jacob wants and I've learned not to need it from him. He's happy. He's unwinding from the week. He's watching the airplanes and doing something he loves. And I'm usually watching him. 

I sit there and look at him and thank God for him. I try to appreciate his silly quirks. I always think thank you God for this boy. Thank you that I get to be his mom. Thank you for another Saturday sitting here beside him.

But there's always a little tinge of sadness mixed in. He's 16 now, and I think that number is starting to sink in big time. In less than two years He'll be 18, but there won't be this big leaving home moment. And sometimes it hits me that years and years from now, this could still be us. Me and Jacob getting something to eat and driving to Lee Road to watch the airplanes. 

And somehow that thought is both beautiful and sad. It's weird to experience both grief and gratitude on such a deep level about the same thing. I grieve some of the things I once imagined for him and still am unbelievably grateful for the life we have and hopeful for what lies ahead. But I wonder about the future. Still I sit there and look at him thinking "thank you God for Jacob."

Maybe that's why these Saturdays have been feeling almost sacred to me lately. He watches the airplanes. I watch him. And I thank God that I get to be his mom. 

I keep thinking about when Jesus wept in the Bible. He knew Lazarus was about to walk out of that tomb. He knew the ending, and He still wept.

His grief didn't mean He had no hope. And maybe mine doesn't either. And maybe it's ok.

What it Means to Be a Father- Guest Post From Jordan

I've never called him "stepdad" in my heart. Somehow, he found this impossible balance of never overstepping, never trying to replace my dad, but still never letting me feel like anything other than his own. When people asked him how many kids he had, he never hesitated. "Three," he'd say, without skipping a beat. I wasn't his stepdaughter. I was just his daughter. Plain and simple. From tying my cleats at six years old to coaching my soccer team until I was sixteen, he was there: every game, every muddy tournament, every snack duty. And yes, we took home first place trophies at every tournament...except for one. He doesn't like to talk about it. 

Through all the chaos and deep uncertainty that came after my brother's autism diagnosis, when our family was thrown into a world of therapy sessions, meltdowns, and constant appointments, my dad never wavered. Not just in being a father to my brother, but in being present for all three of us. Somehow, he made each of us feel seen. he was the steady in the storm, the calm when things felt impossible. Watching him parent my brother has been like watching someone do something they were born for.

When I think about what it means to be a stepfather, I'm reminded of the most powerful example of a stepfather in all of history: Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. Matthew 1:24 tells us, "Joseph did as the angel of Lord commanded him. He took Mary as his wife." He didn't just agree to raise a child that wasn't biologically his; he embraced it wholeheartedly. Just like my dad did with me. And when I look at the way my stepdad loves me, I can't help but see the reflection of God's love. I didn't earn it. I'm not his blood. But still, he chose me. He chooses me. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." That's the kind of love my dad gives me...unearned, unwavering, and undeserved. This Father's Day, I'm thinking of all the men like him: stepdads, biological dads, adoptive dads, grandfathers, uncles, mentors, and every man who has ever stepped into a role they weren't born into but loved like they were. Happy Father's Day. You are seen, you are honored, and you are so deeply appreciated.  

Praying Like the Widow

 

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

Luke18 And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. ² He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. ³ And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ ⁴ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’” ⁶ And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says. ⁷ And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? ⁸ I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

 

I’ve learned a lot from a recent lady’s Bible study. One thing that really stood out was about prayer, specifically persistent prayer. I realized I’ve kind of been avoiding it in certain areas of my life. Especially when it comes to praying for Jacob… for his healing and future. Autism in adulthood can be so different for everyone. I realized that lately I’ve been praying for the future I expect for him and I’ve just completely stopped praying for a future of independence for him or for healing or for more than what it appears like it will be.

I think it was a lack of faith. Also, I’ve been scared. Not scared of God but scared of being the “nagging wife.” You know that verse in Proverbs? ‘Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife’ , that one’s been playing on repeat in my head for years. I didn’t want to be that. I didn’t want to annoy God or seem like I couldn’t accept His will for Jacob. I don’t want to seem like I’m not content or don’t love Jacob as he is and it seems out of reach anyways. So, I just stopped bringing it up.

But when we studied the parable in Luke 18 (the one about the persistent widow) it hit me like a brick. Here’s this woman, going back again and again to a judge who doesn’t even care about her and yet she doesn’t stop. She keeps showing up, asking for justice. And eventually, the judge gives in, not because he’s kind, but because she won’t give up. And then Jesus says something powerful: ‘…will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night?”

And something shifted for me. When we looked at this story not just from a Western perspective, but through an Eastern lens, I saw God’s character in an even deeper way. In that culture, widows had no power, no voice and yet Jesus chose her as the example. The judge is corrupt and cold but God is the opposite. He is just. He listens. He lifts up the powerless.

It helped me see that God doesn’t just tolerate my prayers, He welcomes them. He’s not rolling His eyes or waiting for me to stop. He’s a God who hears the cry of the vulnerable, the overlooked, the tired moms praying in whispers or tears. He’s not distant. He’s near. And that gives me courage to keep praying not just because I want answers, but because I now see more clearly the kind of God I’m praying to.

It clicked: God is not annoyed by our persistence. He welcomes it. The widow wasn’t called naggy. She wasn’t scolded. Jesus used her as a model for how we should pray-with boldness, with trust, and yes, with repetition.

And I realized that society (and maybe my unbiblical view of how women should be) has made me think I need to just be quiet. To accept whatever comes and not go to God for the desires of my heart. 

He tells me to come to Him. And if what I’m asking is righteous: healing, hope, restoration then He’s not bothered. He’s moved. Now, He may not give me exactly what I ask, His justice may look different, but that doesn’t mean I should stop asking. Because prayer is about bringing my heart into His presence over and over, again and again.

So I’ve started to once again pray for Jacob, not just once and walk away, but persistently, faithfully, and with the confidence that God is listening. And Jacob is praying, too!

“God, I’ve held back my prayers because I’ve been scared of being disappointed, of asking too much, of being “too much.” But You aren’t annoyed by me. You welcome me. Thank You for being a God who sees and hears. Help me to pray with boldness, not because I have it all figured out, but because I trust that You are good, and You are near. Teach me to come back again and again, not to wear You down but to be near You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

If you’ve stopped praying, maybe today is the day to start again. Come like the widow, bold, persistent, and believing that God hears you. He’s not tired of your voice. Keep showing up.

Finding Real Comfort When the Decorations Fall Short

This weekend, I attended a women’s breakfast at my church, where Pauline George spoke on a message we hear often about keeping Christmas about Christ. But this time, those words hit differently.

Pauline talked about how we pour so much energy into our Christmas lists like the things to do, buy, and plan. We obsess over the what and how but rarely pause to consider the why. That question stuck with me. Why do I do the things I do during the holidays? How often do I stop to just consider why? 

She said that when someone asks, “Are you ready for Christmas?” our typical response is about the gifts we’ve bought, the decorations we’ve hung, or the meals we’ve planned. It’s all about the external..what I can check off my list. But why? 

For me, I think it’s because I’m seeking comfort. My love language is gifts, and going “all out” with cozy decorations and thoughtful presents is my way of creating a nostalgic, comforting atmosphere. Decorations remind me of childhood memories of falling asleep by the Christmas tree. I love that the decorations make Jacob sing and light up. I love that my kids think I am a crazy Christmas mom and I love that it somehow makes me feel close to my dad, who has passed. These are all lovely things, right?

But this year, the decorations haven’t brought the comfort they usually do. They’ve felt empty. Today, during the sermon, I was again convicted of why.

Christmas isn’t about the “stuff” that fills our homes; it’s about the Savior who came to change our hearts. Without Christmas, we wouldn’t have Jesus. We all hear it year after year, but does our life reflect it? God sent His only Son into the world to live a perfect life and die for our sins past, present, and future, so we could be made right with Him. That’s the comfort I’ve been missing while seeking it through all the stuff. I know it, but I needed to be reminded of it. 

Pauline encouraged us to make a different kind of Christmas list this year. A “spiritual plan” for the season. She gave us three ideas to start:

• Use your voice for God.
• Slow down.
• Seek the why.

The third one resonated with me deeply. Seeking the why calls for discernment and it shifts our focus from the frantic what and how of our plans to the deeper purpose behind them.

I’ve been clinging to the temporary and overlooking the eternal. Decorations and traditions are lovely trust me, they’re part of the joy and celebration, but they can’t bear the weight of my longing for peace and connection. Only Jesus can do that.

So this Christmas, I want to hold loosely to the busy-ness and tightly to my Savior. To pause amidst the wrapping paper and twinkling lights and reflect on the One who came to rescue me. Because the true comfort of Christmas isn’t found in the things we do, but in the God who did it all for us.

May we all make much of Him this season.

God is Good

 

In our new church we have been discussing God as our provider. I’ve felt that so much over the years. Today was no exception. I’ve been pretty lonely the last couple weeks. I miss my girl Jordan Fox and my family in TX. 

During discussion at church tonight I got to hear people share their testimonies. We had discussion questions, but our leader asked people to share instead. It was just what my heart needed. There isn’t anything more powerful than hearing how God is working in people’s lives. I’m so thankful. 

I have so many stories of God working in our lives but the one I love to share most is when Cret and I agreed to sell our home and my wedding ring and virtually everything we had to give Jacob a chance of speech. We were living on a prayer every moment back then. I love to revisit this story to remind me to be focused on God and not myself and to live prayerfully still. 

Back then our insurance didn’t cover autism and all the research pointed to full time ABA for his best chances of success. So we followed what the Lord was telling us to do and decided that God had blessed us with things that we could use to help Jacob. In the background, I was struggling deeply with the love of material things. I prayed for release from that. I had no idea God would answer that prayer by showing me I needed to sell everything dear to me, including the wedding ring my husband bought me with the money he got from selling his grandfathers classic truck. So we sold our dream home, my dream ring, and everything else we had of value because we knew God had given us means to care for Jakey.

Nearly a year later, with only 3 months left of money for therapy the Lord asked us to put Him before therapy by supporting a church plant. We prayed and came together and had both come up with the exact same amount to give which would leave us with 1 month left of therapy money. 

We gave thousands to that church plant not knowing what it would mean for Jacob. I need to add that I only had enough faith for that very day. I made Cret send the money that night because I was afraid I’d change my mind the next morning and beg him not to. Actually I knew I’d change my mind. And so he did.

The very next day Cret got a phone call. God provided Cret a new job with full insurance coverage the next day out of blue…literally the next day. It still baffles me. He hadn’t even applied for a job!!! Jacob didn’t even miss a week of therapy because our insurance began covering it. Then friends and family and Taylor Swift bought our service dog. Then when that insurance stopped covering Jacob Cret got another job that covered his therapy…repeat repeat repeat. It wasn’t easy on him. He had jobs he loved that he had to leave BUT God worked it out and provided. 

Time and time again God has provided for us in ways we never could have imagined and never could attribute to our own doing. Sometimes it was just enough for the next year, but it was always enough. 

So when Cret told me he wanted me to have a new wedding ring, I purposely chose a deep red ring. A ring that would be different and serve as a reminder of Gods goodness to our family and something when someone noticed it and asked about it I could tell people the story of our family and how God has provided for us. 

I get to see a constant reminder to not lose faith and to remember God loves me. 

God is so good. He may not provide for you the way he has for us, but I know He loves you. I know he wants you to have a right relationship with him through Christ.

Life isn’t easy and sometimes it’s really lonely. But thank goodness we have a loving God who always comforts and provides in the ways we need it, even when we don’t realize what we need. I’m so thankful to God that He removed the blinders from my eyes and saved me. 

He loves you. He wants a relationship with you that is personal. ❤️

Redefining Healing

Since our big move across the country, I've found myself praying more throughout the day than I have in a long time. I pray for my daughter, who remains in TX, so far away from us. I pray for my son Tyler to find friends and Jacob to have inspiring teachers who will help him grow and thrive. I pray for guidance about where we should attend church and for clarity in all the other details unfolding in our lives and our extended family's. 

This move has been overwhelming at times. Of course, as a special needs family, there are just so many details that we have to consider that affect our decisions. And in my usual fashion, I've found myself stressing out about Jacob's safety, who will take over when his RBT moves, is he learning enough through his curriculum, how can we help him to grow into more independence. My human nature is to always ALWAYS go back to desiring culture's definition of healing and happiness for him. I want God to heal him so that he can talk to us about his life, live a fully independent life and maybe one day have companionship the way neurotypical people do. These are all good things to desire and pray for, I know. But, focusing so much on where he lacks in ability and healing always pushes me away from where God has us now and how God could be using us now.

I'm reading a book that offers insight on how God uses weaknesses for His glory and it has brought this back to the forefront of my mind. God has created Jacob exactly as he would have him and knows every hair on his head and I believe wants what's best for him. The problem is, I think so many times what I want and think is best may not be what God wants and thinks is best. 

While I deeply desire Jacob's physical growth and healing, I recognize that our true need lies in spiritual healing. God's plans and purpose for Jacob's life may unfold in ways we don't expect. It usually does. Physical healing isn't always the ultimate intention. Spiritual healing of the lost is. 1 Peter 2:24 says, "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." True healing is being made right with God and not living in separation from God, not physical restoration. 

As a special needs family, we find ourselves caught between the hopes we have for Jacob and the reality of their unique path. It's so easy to be consumed by worry and to measure progress against the world's ideas of success and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I think it's ok to have those feelings and hopes and prayers and bring them in front of God. But I am reminded today to ask Him to align our hopes and desires with His. I pray that God will give us new perspective on this journey out here in PA. 

I pray that if you find yourself grappling with the challenges that come with being a special needs family, you will bring those worries to the Lord and ask Him to align your will with His, so that you can have peace and joy in this journey (oftentimes despite the journey). If you don't have a relationship with Lord, I would love to talk with you. Please reach out. 

The Bible says that God is holy. That means that He is perfect. He has never sinned and will never sin. The Bible also says that man is not perfect. I've sinned and you've sinned, right? I've lied, you've lied. That's the big problem between God and man. The Bible says our sin literally cuts us off from God here in this life and forever after we die. The punishment for our sin is eternal separation from God.

But God didn't leave us there in our sin. That's why God sent Jesus, so we wouldn't be separated forever. He made a way for us to be reconciled to Him. Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life, he didn't deserve punishment, yet died on the cross to pay the punishment for our sin (past, present, and future) on our behalf. On the third day, He rose from the grave and conquered sin and death. 

If you believe in this truth and want to be in right relationship with God, all you need to do is recognize that you are a sinner in need of a savior, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead on the third day to pay the punishment for your sins, and confess your sinfulness to God and repent (turn away) and ask God to be the God of your life. 

You can experience joy, hope, and real healing in this life and forevermore. I pray this for you today.

A Good Plan

 

Everyone loves a good plan. I know I sure do. I like to think of every single scenario and plan around each one. I like to research and google and then come up with a plan that honors God, is good for the kids, and makes us happy (as happy as possible considering the situation). I don’t know that I take each of those into account for every plan, but for big plans, that’s usually the case.

I’d say that most of the time we are more successful and productive when we make plans and follow through with them. So you’d better believe that I make plans for Jacob’s life…therapy, goals, future…as much as possible.  

The thing about that is that our plans are almost always thwarted. Every time I think to myself, “Hey, we are on the right track. Things are going well and moving forward”, something happens. Something that is not usually what we planned or what we wanted.

That happened yesterday. Things are moving forward with Jacob. He is nearing the end of what they think they can teach him at his clinic. They told me we have maybe a year before he needs to transition to the private school program that they have. They shadow kids in typical classes and then have a breakout class for the more challenging subjects. It is a pretty unique program. We enrolled Jacob into a homeschool coop to start learning how to work with neurotypical peers and listen to teachers to prepare him for this HUGE transition…this awesome plan for his life and growth. Things were going great.

However, in my one on one with his therapist I was shocked to learn that Jacob isn’t a candidate for the program anymore. All of this time they’ve been telling me that is the goal. That’s where he is headed. Now, due to his off-task behavior, low attending, and lower academic level, that isn’t an option. In hindsight, I should’ve seen this coming. A part of me wondered how he would do in that school, but I figured since the inclusion classes were just specials, he would be ok.

For those wondering, several BCBAs have told me that Jacob isn’t a good fit for public school yet either. It is a great option for some, but for kids like Jacob it would be bad. He learns at a very fast pace, but his speech limits him to learning in a very particular way. His behavior would suggest a class with a much lower academic level than he is capable of. It isn’t the first time a behavior analyst has told me that. I think we are up to 3 now. All say the same thing.

Back to square one. How do I make a plan for this kid? How do I make a plan knowing that it most likely won’t’ happen? After all, that’s been the case time and time again. And how do I not lose complete hope here? Having a plan equals success, right?

Each time this happens, I’m reminded that I have nowhere to go but to HIM. I can’t run to a plan, because the plans are all screwed up. Heck, there isn’t even a plan at all now.

Do you have some area in your life that is totally out of your control? The unknowns are always the hardest. Gosh, any challenge with your child is crushing, but especially those that you just have zero control of.

I was reading a poem from John Piper today that says:

                Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

                Nor flight from all distress, but this:

                The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

                And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

He explains that “Grace does not prevent pain, but orders it, arranges it, measures it, and then, in the darkness of it, sustains us.”

WOW. It’s so true. Through all the years and all the struggles and setbacks, God has sustained us and given us grace to stay obedient, trusting, and joyful despite it. What’s more is He draws us closer to Him in them and through them. I hope that one day I can reach a level of faith that when a struggle comes, I welcome it and don’t initially run to fear, knowing that God is just bringing us closer to Him. Maybe I’ll never reach that level, but what I can do is remember all the times that He has worked these unplanned trials out for our good, all the times He has surprised us with something better or even something more difficult that grew us. Looking back on that helps me to trust Him now.

I remember the time God sent Cret a job with insurance that covered ABA out of the blue when we only had 1 month of therapy money left. I remember that each time we lost insurance coverage after that, God opened a new door and it worked out. I remember the time we prayed for answers to Jacob’s elopement and then friends, family, and a superstar paid for his service dog. I remember the time a new clinic that we had really wanted Jacob to attend finally had an opening for Jacob and that month (after years and years) dropped their initial deposit from $10,000 to only $1,000. We enrolled him right away. That’s really just the tip of the iceberg. God has done some really amazing things for us in ways we really couldn’t imagine. He’s also shown us that when things didn’t work out as we’d hoped, we were ok because we had Him.

I may not have a plan now, but God always does. I am praying desperately to keep that at the forefront of my mind, that HE has a plan for our good and that it may not include answering my prayers the way I want them answered. But He is trustworthy. When things are easy, I’m not always desperately seeking. Maybe that’s why it isn’t easy so often. When will my stubborn brain learn?

I wonder how many times will I be right back at this point? Maybe a million, maybe a billion. But I would rather be desperately seeking Him then comfortable without Him.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

God has a purpose for our family and that obviously includes suffering and challenges. But God always shows up for us through it. Always.