Saturdays with Jacob

 

Most Saturdays it's just me and Jacob. We go get breakfast or lunch and then drive over to Lee Road to watch the airplanes come in.

We really don't talk much. Sometimes barely at all. That's not what Jacob wants and I've learned not to need it from him. He's happy. He's unwinding from the week. He's watching the airplanes and doing something he loves. And I'm usually watching him. 

I sit there and look at him and thank God for him. I try to appreciate his silly quirks. I always think thank you God for this boy. Thank you that I get to be his mom. Thank you for another Saturday sitting here beside him.

But there's always a little tinge of sadness mixed in. He's 16 now, and I think that number is starting to sink in big time. In less than two years He'll be 18, but there won't be this big leaving home moment. And sometimes it hits me that years and years from now, this could still be us. Me and Jacob getting something to eat and driving to Lee Road to watch the airplanes. 

And somehow that thought is both beautiful and sad. It's weird to experience both grief and gratitude on such a deep level about the same thing. I grieve some of the things I once imagined for him and still am unbelievably grateful for the life we have and hopeful for what lies ahead. But I wonder about the future. Still I sit there and look at him thinking "thank you God for Jacob."

Maybe that's why these Saturdays have been feeling almost sacred to me lately. He watches the airplanes. I watch him. And I thank God that I get to be his mom. 

I keep thinking about when Jesus wept in the Bible. He knew Lazarus was about to walk out of that tomb. He knew the ending, and He still wept.

His grief didn't mean He had no hope. And maybe mine doesn't either. And maybe it's ok.

What it Means to Be a Father- Guest Post From Jordan

I've never called him "stepdad" in my heart. Somehow, he found this impossible balance of never overstepping, never trying to replace my dad, but still never letting me feel like anything other than his own. When people asked him how many kids he had, he never hesitated. "Three," he'd say, without skipping a beat. I wasn't his stepdaughter. I was just his daughter. Plain and simple. From tying my cleats at six years old to coaching my soccer team until I was sixteen, he was there: every game, every muddy tournament, every snack duty. And yes, we took home first place trophies at every tournament...except for one. He doesn't like to talk about it. 

Through all the chaos and deep uncertainty that came after my brother's autism diagnosis, when our family was thrown into a world of therapy sessions, meltdowns, and constant appointments, my dad never wavered. Not just in being a father to my brother, but in being present for all three of us. Somehow, he made each of us feel seen. he was the steady in the storm, the calm when things felt impossible. Watching him parent my brother has been like watching someone do something they were born for.

When I think about what it means to be a stepfather, I'm reminded of the most powerful example of a stepfather in all of history: Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. Matthew 1:24 tells us, "Joseph did as the angel of Lord commanded him. He took Mary as his wife." He didn't just agree to raise a child that wasn't biologically his; he embraced it wholeheartedly. Just like my dad did with me. And when I look at the way my stepdad loves me, I can't help but see the reflection of God's love. I didn't earn it. I'm not his blood. But still, he chose me. He chooses me. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." That's the kind of love my dad gives me...unearned, unwavering, and undeserved. This Father's Day, I'm thinking of all the men like him: stepdads, biological dads, adoptive dads, grandfathers, uncles, mentors, and every man who has ever stepped into a role they weren't born into but loved like they were. Happy Father's Day. You are seen, you are honored, and you are so deeply appreciated.  

Praying Like the Widow

 

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

Luke18 And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. ² He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. ³ And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ ⁴ For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’” ⁶ And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says. ⁷ And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? ⁸ I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

 

I’ve learned a lot from a recent lady’s Bible study. One thing that really stood out was about prayer, specifically persistent prayer. I realized I’ve kind of been avoiding it in certain areas of my life. Especially when it comes to praying for Jacob… for his healing and future. Autism in adulthood can be so different for everyone. I realized that lately I’ve been praying for the future I expect for him and I’ve just completely stopped praying for a future of independence for him or for healing or for more than what it appears like it will be.

I think it was a lack of faith. Also, I’ve been scared. Not scared of God but scared of being the “nagging wife.” You know that verse in Proverbs? ‘Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife’ , that one’s been playing on repeat in my head for years. I didn’t want to be that. I didn’t want to annoy God or seem like I couldn’t accept His will for Jacob. I don’t want to seem like I’m not content or don’t love Jacob as he is and it seems out of reach anyways. So, I just stopped bringing it up.

But when we studied the parable in Luke 18 (the one about the persistent widow) it hit me like a brick. Here’s this woman, going back again and again to a judge who doesn’t even care about her and yet she doesn’t stop. She keeps showing up, asking for justice. And eventually, the judge gives in, not because he’s kind, but because she won’t give up. And then Jesus says something powerful: ‘…will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night?”

And something shifted for me. When we looked at this story not just from a Western perspective, but through an Eastern lens, I saw God’s character in an even deeper way. In that culture, widows had no power, no voice and yet Jesus chose her as the example. The judge is corrupt and cold but God is the opposite. He is just. He listens. He lifts up the powerless.

It helped me see that God doesn’t just tolerate my prayers, He welcomes them. He’s not rolling His eyes or waiting for me to stop. He’s a God who hears the cry of the vulnerable, the overlooked, the tired moms praying in whispers or tears. He’s not distant. He’s near. And that gives me courage to keep praying not just because I want answers, but because I now see more clearly the kind of God I’m praying to.

It clicked: God is not annoyed by our persistence. He welcomes it. The widow wasn’t called naggy. She wasn’t scolded. Jesus used her as a model for how we should pray-with boldness, with trust, and yes, with repetition.

And I realized that society (and maybe my unbiblical view of how women should be) has made me think I need to just be quiet. To accept whatever comes and not go to God for the desires of my heart. 

He tells me to come to Him. And if what I’m asking is righteous: healing, hope, restoration then He’s not bothered. He’s moved. Now, He may not give me exactly what I ask, His justice may look different, but that doesn’t mean I should stop asking. Because prayer is about bringing my heart into His presence over and over, again and again.

So I’ve started to once again pray for Jacob, not just once and walk away, but persistently, faithfully, and with the confidence that God is listening. And Jacob is praying, too!

“God, I’ve held back my prayers because I’ve been scared of being disappointed, of asking too much, of being “too much.” But You aren’t annoyed by me. You welcome me. Thank You for being a God who sees and hears. Help me to pray with boldness, not because I have it all figured out, but because I trust that You are good, and You are near. Teach me to come back again and again, not to wear You down but to be near You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

If you’ve stopped praying, maybe today is the day to start again. Come like the widow, bold, persistent, and believing that God hears you. He’s not tired of your voice. Keep showing up.

God is Good

 

In our new church we have been discussing God as our provider. I’ve felt that so much over the years. Today was no exception. I’ve been pretty lonely the last couple weeks. I miss my girl Jordan Fox and my family in TX. 

During discussion at church tonight I got to hear people share their testimonies. We had discussion questions, but our leader asked people to share instead. It was just what my heart needed. There isn’t anything more powerful than hearing how God is working in people’s lives. I’m so thankful. 

I have so many stories of God working in our lives but the one I love to share most is when Cret and I agreed to sell our home and my wedding ring and virtually everything we had to give Jacob a chance of speech. We were living on a prayer every moment back then. I love to revisit this story to remind me to be focused on God and not myself and to live prayerfully still. 

Back then our insurance didn’t cover autism and all the research pointed to full time ABA for his best chances of success. So we followed what the Lord was telling us to do and decided that God had blessed us with things that we could use to help Jacob. In the background, I was struggling deeply with the love of material things. I prayed for release from that. I had no idea God would answer that prayer by showing me I needed to sell everything dear to me, including the wedding ring my husband bought me with the money he got from selling his grandfathers classic truck. So we sold our dream home, my dream ring, and everything else we had of value because we knew God had given us means to care for Jakey.

Nearly a year later, with only 3 months left of money for therapy the Lord asked us to put Him before therapy by supporting a church plant. We prayed and came together and had both come up with the exact same amount to give which would leave us with 1 month left of therapy money. 

We gave thousands to that church plant not knowing what it would mean for Jacob. I need to add that I only had enough faith for that very day. I made Cret send the money that night because I was afraid I’d change my mind the next morning and beg him not to. Actually I knew I’d change my mind. And so he did.

The very next day Cret got a phone call. God provided Cret a new job with full insurance coverage the next day out of blue…literally the next day. It still baffles me. He hadn’t even applied for a job!!! Jacob didn’t even miss a week of therapy because our insurance began covering it. Then friends and family and Taylor Swift bought our service dog. Then when that insurance stopped covering Jacob Cret got another job that covered his therapy…repeat repeat repeat. It wasn’t easy on him. He had jobs he loved that he had to leave BUT God worked it out and provided. 

Time and time again God has provided for us in ways we never could have imagined and never could attribute to our own doing. Sometimes it was just enough for the next year, but it was always enough. 

So when Cret told me he wanted me to have a new wedding ring, I purposely chose a deep red ring. A ring that would be different and serve as a reminder of Gods goodness to our family and something when someone noticed it and asked about it I could tell people the story of our family and how God has provided for us. 

I get to see a constant reminder to not lose faith and to remember God loves me. 

God is so good. He may not provide for you the way he has for us, but I know He loves you. I know he wants you to have a right relationship with him through Christ.

Life isn’t easy and sometimes it’s really lonely. But thank goodness we have a loving God who always comforts and provides in the ways we need it, even when we don’t realize what we need. I’m so thankful to God that He removed the blinders from my eyes and saved me. 

He loves you. He wants a relationship with you that is personal. ❤️

A Good Plan

 

Everyone loves a good plan. I know I sure do. I like to think of every single scenario and plan around each one. I like to research and google and then come up with a plan that honors God, is good for the kids, and makes us happy (as happy as possible considering the situation). I don’t know that I take each of those into account for every plan, but for big plans, that’s usually the case.

I’d say that most of the time we are more successful and productive when we make plans and follow through with them. So you’d better believe that I make plans for Jacob’s life…therapy, goals, future…as much as possible.  

The thing about that is that our plans are almost always thwarted. Every time I think to myself, “Hey, we are on the right track. Things are going well and moving forward”, something happens. Something that is not usually what we planned or what we wanted.

That happened yesterday. Things are moving forward with Jacob. He is nearing the end of what they think they can teach him at his clinic. They told me we have maybe a year before he needs to transition to the private school program that they have. They shadow kids in typical classes and then have a breakout class for the more challenging subjects. It is a pretty unique program. We enrolled Jacob into a homeschool coop to start learning how to work with neurotypical peers and listen to teachers to prepare him for this HUGE transition…this awesome plan for his life and growth. Things were going great.

However, in my one on one with his therapist I was shocked to learn that Jacob isn’t a candidate for the program anymore. All of this time they’ve been telling me that is the goal. That’s where he is headed. Now, due to his off-task behavior, low attending, and lower academic level, that isn’t an option. In hindsight, I should’ve seen this coming. A part of me wondered how he would do in that school, but I figured since the inclusion classes were just specials, he would be ok.

For those wondering, several BCBAs have told me that Jacob isn’t a good fit for public school yet either. It is a great option for some, but for kids like Jacob it would be bad. He learns at a very fast pace, but his speech limits him to learning in a very particular way. His behavior would suggest a class with a much lower academic level than he is capable of. It isn’t the first time a behavior analyst has told me that. I think we are up to 3 now. All say the same thing.

Back to square one. How do I make a plan for this kid? How do I make a plan knowing that it most likely won’t’ happen? After all, that’s been the case time and time again. And how do I not lose complete hope here? Having a plan equals success, right?

Each time this happens, I’m reminded that I have nowhere to go but to HIM. I can’t run to a plan, because the plans are all screwed up. Heck, there isn’t even a plan at all now.

Do you have some area in your life that is totally out of your control? The unknowns are always the hardest. Gosh, any challenge with your child is crushing, but especially those that you just have zero control of.

I was reading a poem from John Piper today that says:

                Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

                Nor flight from all distress, but this:

                The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

                And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

He explains that “Grace does not prevent pain, but orders it, arranges it, measures it, and then, in the darkness of it, sustains us.”

WOW. It’s so true. Through all the years and all the struggles and setbacks, God has sustained us and given us grace to stay obedient, trusting, and joyful despite it. What’s more is He draws us closer to Him in them and through them. I hope that one day I can reach a level of faith that when a struggle comes, I welcome it and don’t initially run to fear, knowing that God is just bringing us closer to Him. Maybe I’ll never reach that level, but what I can do is remember all the times that He has worked these unplanned trials out for our good, all the times He has surprised us with something better or even something more difficult that grew us. Looking back on that helps me to trust Him now.

I remember the time God sent Cret a job with insurance that covered ABA out of the blue when we only had 1 month of therapy money left. I remember that each time we lost insurance coverage after that, God opened a new door and it worked out. I remember the time we prayed for answers to Jacob’s elopement and then friends, family, and a superstar paid for his service dog. I remember the time a new clinic that we had really wanted Jacob to attend finally had an opening for Jacob and that month (after years and years) dropped their initial deposit from $10,000 to only $1,000. We enrolled him right away. That’s really just the tip of the iceberg. God has done some really amazing things for us in ways we really couldn’t imagine. He’s also shown us that when things didn’t work out as we’d hoped, we were ok because we had Him.

I may not have a plan now, but God always does. I am praying desperately to keep that at the forefront of my mind, that HE has a plan for our good and that it may not include answering my prayers the way I want them answered. But He is trustworthy. When things are easy, I’m not always desperately seeking. Maybe that’s why it isn’t easy so often. When will my stubborn brain learn?

I wonder how many times will I be right back at this point? Maybe a million, maybe a billion. But I would rather be desperately seeking Him then comfortable without Him.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

God has a purpose for our family and that obviously includes suffering and challenges. But God always shows up for us through it. Always.  

Questions I Ask Myself Before We Go Somewhere as a Special Needs Family

 

I love this picture of Jordan. I love it because she is such a cool chick and her love for crawfish is strong. I love it because it was her 19th birthday. I love it because we went as a full family to someone's house and made it through the entire party. 

We don’t often go to friends' houses as a family. Well, truth be told we really never go to friend's houses as a family. I hate to say it, but it's mostly our own fault. Jacob struggles with going inside people’s homes. I'm not sure why. He is ok in restaurants and public spaces, but in someone’s home…not so much. His anxiety goes through the roof as he frantically runs from room to room opening doors and cabinets. We hold on to him, but the moment we let go, an escape is inevitable, and he always find his way into the master bedroom. It’s a full invasion of privacy. We’ve only had it happen a couple times and that was more than enough for us to know we never wanted to make friends uncomfortable like that again. So, we typically say no to those events. It’s made us feel very isolated. I know so many families that feel the same. IT IS HARD.

Recently, we had some friends invite us over for a crawfish boil. Instantly I started thinking of the things that could go wrong. What if he does something inappropriate…takes off his pants, makes loud noises at their kids, tries to run into their bedroom? How will I handle it and more importantly how will they? Or the big question…Will I be able to relax?  We often talk ourselves out of things because we know one of us will be chasing and stressing and not able to enjoy it. So, we cancel or we go separately and then I worry if that’s rude. But the biggest thing I wonder before we go somewhere is if they will accept our “normal”?  Ultimately, is this someone that we can trust?

It's important for us to know that we can trust their reactions to the unexpected. It’s important for us to trust that they will accept him and us, even after our type of “different” occurs. The problem with that was that we weren’t giving people a chance for a while. Maybe it’s a protective thing. I am wildly protective of our family. Maybe it’s a comfort thing, I don’t want my friends to be embarrassed and I don’t want our family to be embarrassed. Whatever it was, we would often say no.

I am so glad we said yes this time. I am thankful we gave it another chance. Cret and I had a pep talk in the van before we went in. I told him that I couldn’t believe we were trying this and I was scared it would be a disaster. He laughed and told me it probably would be, but we needed to try. The minute we walked in, Jacob began pulling me wanting to explore and for a split second, fear overcame me. However, I was able to calm him down and give him some motivation to relax.  It turned out to be a really fun time without many issues, although he did run into the master bedroom when I let my guard down. But guess what? Our friend was gracious and understanding.  Another friend came up to him and spoke to him in only a way that a disability family member would. She shared about a loved one close to her that had special needs. It made me feel so good.

I guess I just wanted to share this because it would’ve been so easy to say no or to make up an excuse, but I am so glad that we didn’t. I am glad that we trusted our friends and gave it a shot. We left and looked at each other with huge smiles. What a victory for our family! Sure, we had to bribe Jacob with a big toy, but he managed to stay pretty calm because he knew he was getting that toy. We all enjoyed a day at someone else’s house and God showed me that maybe it was time to start trusting people. I know there will be times where we are let down, but just like with anything in life it is worth trying again. The hard experiences only make the good ones so much sweeter.

Friend, if you are isolating due to the fear of rejection or embarrassment or unease, I encourage you to give it another shot and then give it another shot and then give it another shot after that. After Covid, I think all people can relate to how lonely and sad isolation feels. Friends are such a good gift from God. I pray you find the people you can trust with your family’s “normal”.

PRIDE

I have a deep DEEP dislike for public speaking, group speaking, or any kind of non one-on-one speaking (with the exception of students). So as I was thinking about what to do a devotion on in front of my pastors in a few weeks, something kept coming up in my heart...

"WOW I AM PRIDEFUL"...I kept thinking

 My pride makes me feel terrified to speak in front of people for fear of looking foolish. Which I promise you…I should be really used to by now.  

 

I know everyone is familiar with pride and knows our pride comes in many forms and it’s something we all struggle with. As an enneagram 2, I can definitely say it’s my biggest struggle. But obviously it doesn’t just affect my personality type. None of us are immune to pride.

 

The Bible talks about how much God despises pride more times that I can count. But here are a few…

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Galatians 6:3

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

1 Peter 5:5

 

My pride says, “I know better than God knows”.  Of course, that can look different to different people. It isn’t a matter of if we have pride, but where our pride exists, so I think it’s important to recognize it and to keep thinking about where hidden pride is in our lives, so we can put it to death…especially in those areas that maybe aren’t as obvious.  

 

So, I thought I would list 3 secret areas of pride in my life (if I had to list them all we would be here all day) and maybe you’ll recognize something in you that you need to give to God. 

 

First, for me pride can often hide itself within the mask of humility. People like me are people who would rather get a sharp stick in the eye then to share about God’s word in public when asked. Sometimes I like to just give the excuse of being shy, which I am. But that's not the only reason I don't want to speak in public or in front of people. It's not because I am ‘oh so humble’. It does make me happy to do things behind the scenes a lot , but many times I don’t’ like to do those things in public because I am so scared to look like a fool or to mess up. Sometimes that pride is crippling. As I prepare something to say in front of my Pastors, I will have to choose to lay down my pride and honestly that is terrifying. Would you pray for boldness when I do?

 

Second, there is the area of my prayer life. I know that my prayer life doesn’t always reflect someone that is looking to God for daily living and decision making. I realized that when I’m not praying all the time it’s a reflection of my hearts posture towards God.  Is my prayer life reflecting that I believe everything is in God’s control and under his sovereignty? I can’t say that it always does. When I am viewing God rightly, which is having full authority over me, my prayer life is way different. I can’t say that I have mastered that area in my life. Sometimes my pride is thinking I can handle life, especially the day to day without prayer.

  

Last, and I think the biggest area of pride in my life…the area that I have to surrender to the Lord over and over exists because of life situations that are really painful.  Marshall Segal once wrote, “Pain becomes proud because it believes no one else understands. No one feels what I feel. And so pain distances itself from anyone who might try and speak into its suffering.” 

 

I had a really difficult past. As I was learning about Jesus, I would tell myself that my sins were too great for forgiveness. My mistakes were greater than the other peoples at church, and no one could understand…not even God and therefore I couldn’t be forgiven. I thought my pain and my poor decisions were bigger than God’s salvation. Eventually, I humbled myself before God and believed that his death and resurrection was ALL I needed. Nothing I could do was out of His reach.  

 

Even after salvation I still struggle with pride. As a special needs mom, I can’t tell you how many times pride has crept into my life through pain.  Situations, at time feel hopeless, and instead of turning to the very creator of my child, instead of humbly trusting in Him…I turn to books, research, therapists, blogs, friends or even panic.  I worry and then I believe I have to work work work to help him, like it is at all in my control.  And what happens is every single time God shows me who is in control and it is NEVER me.  I waste all that precious time when I could’ve gone to my Father in prayer listening to what He had for me and for my family and trusted Him in faith. So personally, I have to fight my pride a lot. I am not perfect, but the Holy Spirit lives in me and helps me identify my desperate need for God.

 

In Luke 18:9-14 he writes that Jesus

⁹ …also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: ¹⁰ “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed^[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ ¹³ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ ¹⁴ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

 

And again in Matthew 23:12 says “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

Over and over the Bible shows that humility is the opposite of pride.

 

Humility is the weapon against pride. To me, that means actively pursue placing God above all else especially above myself.

 

I believe even people who’ve been saved for decades can find value in constantly remembering their salvation.  That we are desperate sinners incapable of saving ourselves. God is the only one who can do that. We need to remember God is sovereign over all things. God is sovereign over the things I am really good at and even the really painful things. And for those things I may be gifted with, well He is the giver of those gifts, too. 

 

The Bible says “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. 2 Corinthians 10:17-18 

Lord, help me to humbly serve you and love you.