God's AMAZING plans

I was thinking about Christmas this year and how to make it more Christ focused for my kids.  I started thinking about the books we could read or ways we can give to people in need.  I love this time of year.  There are so many activities I want to do to share with them.  Then I started thinking about Jacob and how I can teach him.  He doesn't understand the word mommy.  What will he be capable of learning when he is older?  I started thinking about how difficult it may be to describe something to him that he cannot see.  I hear that autistic and asperghers kids take EVERYTHING very literal and therefore things like faith are hard to explain. 

Later I saw a video of a blind autistic child singing to a huge group at their state capital.  He was singing "Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord".  http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KGYWKLNX I couldn't watch it without weeping and boy when I say weeping that is an understatement.  Having a special needs child has made me into such a sissy.  I can't even watch commercials without crying.  I wasn't sad, though, this time.   I wasn't thinking, "poor baby he is blind" or "that's so sad he is autistic".  All I could hear God telling me was that He has this AWESOMELY AMAZING plan for Jacob!  Its like I knew in that very instant that God can do whatever He wants through Jacob no matter what disability or struggle he may face.  God is being glorified so magnificently through this 10 year old who is blind and autistic singing to God to open the eyes of his heart, what can He do with my Jakey?!! I felt in my heart at that very moment that I better not let anything keep me from sharing God's word with my baby.  He may not understand the word mommy, but God can do anything.  So I am going to stay faithful to my Father and teach Jacob everything I can and sing to Him everyday about Jesus and I know with all of my heart that God will use my precious baby in some way to bring Him glory.  I have so much peace about that.  What a blessing God has given me this Christmas season.  He is continually blessing me and I am continually in awe and so very thankful. 

As far as what's going on with therapy and so forth we have stopped Jacob's ABA temporarily because we are out of funds for it.  I did start a job and will begin the therapy soon I hope, but it isn't enough for much.  Somehow I have to believe that one day children with no coverage for autism will be able to get help at an affordable cost.  I really see changes from ABA so I know it works, but we can't afford to spend every dime we make on therapy.  I have been considering getting the training and trying to do it myself.  I am just curious as to how to handle my other kids during that time.  I am currently still trying to teach Jacob simple sign language and working on all the basics with him.  He is an usually happy baby and that makes things so so much easier. 

 I was sent a poem by my mom today and it really touched me.  Thought I'd share...



WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

Jacob's progress

Jacob has made some real progress lately and I wanted to share with everyone.  In the past few weeks he has learned how to clap.  This may sound simple to some, but its a huge accomplishment.  He is a year a half and has just now realized he can clap his OWN hands.  Woo hoo!  He is also making excellent eye contact and responding when we call his name.  He seems to be engaging with other kids to play.  I am so excited about how far he has come lately.  I can hardly wait to hear him say his first word.  He has babbled dadada, but does not relate it to his daddy yet.  That will be such an awesome day when he does!  He doesn't wave bye bye but it seems like he is trying. He is still stimming by hand flapping or spinning around in circles.  He can't eat real food yet, although he puts peas in his mouth and then spits them out, which is the first step!  He isn't communicating much although he has begun to shake his head "no" when he doesn't want to eat, which happens to be every single time I try to feed him.  We are working with an occupational therapist to help with the feeding.  I have started some simple sign language since he can use his hands now, but he hasn't caught on yet.  Hopefully we can get him communicating soon.  He has learned how to distinguish a train from a cup.  I don't know if he actually knows it is a train though.  We teach him by holding the train and the cup out and asking where the train is and putting it closer to him so he chooses it and then clap and praise him.  He loves the praising so much that eventually we can keep the cup and train side by side and ask where the train is and he chooses it.  Its so strange to be teaching something so simple, but it seems to be working.  We are now moving on to the next item.  Its one item at a time and we have to change the distractor. Meaning I can't use the train and a ball and say where is the ball because then he will choose the train because that's what made him receive praise.  That tells me he doesn't quite understand that the train is a train.  But with autism like his (where language is the biggest problem) this is the only way we can teach him....Or at the least the most successful way so far.  He has to memorize.  I think that's how therapists teach behavior issues with kids with autism and aspergers.  They role play and let the kids learn and memorize how to respond correctly or appropriately.  We also work on simple 3 piece puzzles where the pieces fit inside a wooden puzzle.  We take the pieces out and just give him just one piece.  We show him how to put it in and clap and praise him and then let him try again with the same piece.  I would say he puts it in maybe 20% of the time, but we are working on that.   Anyways I just wanted to give an update.  I have started watching a newborn to help with the costs of therapy so that we can get our own house so please say a prayer that I can balance all the responsibilities of Jacob, homeschool and Jordan, Tyler and the new baby.   I will post more updates as we go. 

The final results from blood work

I got a call from the neurologist office yesterday telling me that all of Jacob's blood work came back normal.  Obviously, I was a little confused.  I asked why his arginine was low on the first test and they told me it could have been a lab error or something.  I wondered how they knew this test wasn't a lab error.  I made an appointment for Monday to hear the news in person and to make sure there is nothing else to check for. 

So this was good news, right?  No rare disease, no medication.....

After I hung up I could not stop crying.  I don't know how to explain the way that I feel.  Am I happy that my son doesn't have some rare disease?  Yes.  Of course I am.  But that was an explanation.  That was something that they could test, could treat, could fix.  What in the world do I do now?  I called my husband, hysterical and barely able to speak, but somehow managed to tell him the news.  He didn't understand.  He was so excited Jacob was ok.  He told me that I should be thankful.  I knew he was right, but I just got upset.  I want to FIX Jacob.  Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been the hardest in my entire life. I have been just in this daze, waiting to hear the outcome, waiting to hear what my son's life is going to be like.  To tell you the truth, this was the answer that scared me the most.  The nurse told me that most parents do get disappointed when there are no answers.  There is no treatment for autism.  There isn't even a test to test for autism.  Its a huge unknown.  I am just so sad for him and the life I wanted for him.  The life we all want for our children.... to be normal, healthy and happy.  Now the hope that I had in a medication to fix him right away is gone.  Now his life of therapy session after therapy session and never ending doctor appointments is now his reality.  I think if I am being honest with myself I must have been in denial that this was really going to be his life forever.  I just hoped his autism was a symptom of another problem which was going to be fixed.  After all, he has so many medical issues and he isn't growing which isn't typical of regular autism.  I watch those videos of kids with autism and their parents praying that they out-live their children because the government won't take care of them.  It's horrifying actually.  I watch how much of a hard time they have in school. with friends, with family and now I see our reality.  I'm so sad.  Once again, I feel like its all hit me for the first time. 

So where do I go from here?  That's what I have been thinking about.  How do I stop feeling so sad?  How do I manage to keep from crying every fifteen minutes?  I have to keep fighting for him.  I won't accept that there is no cure.  I won't stop searching for answers.  I won't stop praying all day every day for God to heal him.  I won't lose hope for him.  I won't stop being the best mom I can be and I have to stay strong for my children.  I have to teach my other children to be compassionate for the handicapped and helpless.  I have to somehow build in them the desire to help Jacob and others like Jacob so that if Cret and I aren't around, someone will always be here for him.  I have to help raise money for research.  I have to do all that I can to get my sweet baby the best therapy we can afford.  That's my plan.  Through this sadness I will let God's strength prevail and not let this keep me down.  He sees my tears right now and is holding me tightly through this and because of that I have hope. I can say to all you moms out there that even through this pain I KNOW that God has a wonderful plan for Jacob and for your child.  He has a plan for all of this that you and I can not even begin to understand and may not until we get to heaven, but because I trust God I am choosing to honor Him and thank him for Jacob's autism.  I am thankful for the lessons I am learning, the man that Jacob will become and I will remain hopeful that he will eventually be able to live a normal life, loving and fearing and honoring God.

http://youtu.be/A8JsRxVczmQ  (click to hear)

You must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong
 But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up I'm not strong enough
 Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe Maybe that's the point
 To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
 I give up I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
 Strong enough Strong enough
Cause I'm broken Down to nothing
 But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong When I am weak
I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough
I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength
 And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
 Everything that I'm supposed to be
 I give up I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
 Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough Strong enough Strong enough

A rare disease...

The neurologist called me after I blogged the other day to tell me that she had spoken with the genetic and metabolic specialist at Texas Children’s Hospital and that they suspect Jacob has a rare disease called creatine synthesis disorder AGAT.  His blood work showed that he was low in the amino acid arginine.  To date there have only been 7 reported occurrences of this disease in the world.  This disease can cause autism, self mutilation, mental retardation, severe language delays, epilepsy and heart failure.  It is treatable; however, the treatment has to be carefully monitored as it can cause renal failure.  We are going to Texas Children’s to do more testing to be sure that he has this disease.  From what I have researched, there is a chance that the treatment can improve Jacob’s intellectual delays.  The unfortunate thing is that while it may improve his autistic symptoms, it’s an extremely dangerous disease.  Please be in prayer for Jacob.  If you want more info I copied and pasted info below on the disease:

I got this information off the web page http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK3794/

Disease characteristics. The cerebral creatine deficiency syndromes (CCDS), inborn errors of creatine metabolism, include the two creatine biosynthesis disorders, guanidinoacetate methyltransferase (GAMT) deficiency and L-arginine:glycine amidinotransferase (AGAT or GATM) deficiency, and the creatine transporter (SLC6A8) deficiency. Intellectual disability and seizures are common to all three CCDS. The majority of individuals with GAMT deficiency have a behavior disorder that can include autistic behaviors and self-mutilation; a significant proportion have pyramidal/extrapyramidal findings. Onset is between ages three months and three years. Only seven individuals with AGAT deficiency have been reported. The phenotype of SLC6A8 deficiency in affected males ranges from mild intellectual disability and speech delay to severe intellectual disability, seizures, and behavior disorder; age at diagnosis ranges from two to 66 years. Females heterozygous for SLC6A8 deficiency may have learning and behavior problems.
Diagnosis/testing. Cerebral creatine deficiency in cranial MR spectroscopy (MRS) is the characteristic hallmark of all CCDS. Diagnosis of CCDS relies on: measurement of guanidinoacetate (GAA), creatine, and creatinine in urine and plasma; and molecular genetic testing of the three genes involved, GAMT, GATM, or SLC6A8. If molecular genetic test results are inconclusive, GAMT enzyme activity (in cultured fibroblast or lymphoblasts), GATM enzyme activity (in lymphoblasts), or creatine uptake in cultured fibroblasts can be assessed.
Management. Treatment of manifestations: GAMT deficiency and AGAT deficiency are treated with oral creatine monohydrate to increase cerebral creatine levels. Treatment of GAMT deficiency may also require supplementation of ornithine and dietary restriction of arginine. In males with SLC6A8 deficiency creatine supplementation alone does not improve clinical outcome and does not result in increased cerebral creatine levels; likewise, high-dose L-arginine and L-glycine supplementation did not improve clinical or biochemical outcome. One female with intractable epilepsy responded to high-dose L-arginine and L-glycine supplementation with cessation of seizures.
Prevention of primary manifestations: Whether early treatment prevents disease manifestations is unknown; however, newborn sibs of individuals with AGAT or GAMT deficiency seem to benefit from early treatment.
Surveillance: In those treated with creatine monohydrate, routine measurement of renal function to detect possible creatine-associated nephropathy is warranted.

AGAT (GATM) Deficiency

To date seven individuals from three families have been diagnosed with AGAT deficiency [Item et al 2001, Battini et al 2002, Battini et al 2006, Johnston et al 2005, Edvardson et al 2010].
In one extended Italian family, two sisters had global developmental delay; one had occasional fever-induced seizures [Item et al 2001]. Their younger sib, diagnosed at age three weeks and treated with creatine supplementation starting at age four months, was reported to have normal development at age 18 months [Battini et al 2006]. A second cousin of the three sibs who presented with global developmental delay was also affected [Battini et al 2002].
In the second family, a 14-month old American girl of Chinese descent presented with psychomotor delay, severe language impairment, failure to thrive, and autistic behavior [Johnston et al 2005].
In the third family, two siblings, age 21 years and 14 years, presented with mild intellectual disability, muscle weakness, and failure to thrive at age two years. Both had the novel features of proximal muscle weakness and fatigability [Edvardson et al 2010].

Still waiting....

I haven't heard anything about Jacob's latest blood tests yet.  The neurologist said that the tests take anywhere from 2-4 weeks.  Meanwhile, we are praying like crazy for good results.  We have moved in with my mom this week and are trying to get settled in.  We still have a lot of work to complete at our house before the closing Thursday, so we are busy busy this week. 

Jacob has started ABA therapy.  It is every day from 8:30-10:30.  So far, she has begun teaching him simple commands like sit down and put in.  He is obeying sit down about 50% of the time in a structured setting.  She is also working on him answering to his name (which is below 5%), matching, eye contact, etc.  Sometimes I hear him crying and crying in there and it takes a lot to not run in and "save" him, but I know this hard work will pay off.  They use an error proof system.  The therapist said that if you are teaching him the difference between a ball and a train and you ask him where the train is, and he grabs the ball, then he isn't learning as much.  Instead, we hold each one in a hand and when we ask him where is the train, we hold the train closer to him.  We only use a praising system when he gets the correct answer instead of saying no to the wrong answer.  This is because some children with disabilities don't understand no.  All they know is they are getting attention, so they may seek out the behavior or actions that caused the no.  ABA is extremely structured.  I have seen more results in a few weeks than I have in months with ECI.  However, I am still very thankful for ECI.  Partly, I feel that the positive results are from the structure and that they come for 2 hours every day.  Constant repetition is re-training his little brain.  I am excited to see what happens in the next few months.  She has also started introducing PECS.  She trained me on what to do with the pictures and I am so happy we may have a way to communicate soon. 

The other day I was eating at Schlotsky's in Kingwood with my 3 kids.  A man who works there, who has a disability, came up to us and pointed at Tyler and said, "He has a baby brother now".  Then he went on to say," I had a big brother and he was very nice to me.  I have a disability."  I told him that Jacob has a disability, too.  Then he said," My aid is about to go away and that is NOT RIGHT!"  I agreed.  It sounded as though he was just repeting what he has heard other people telling him, but I could tell he knew what that meant.  I left feeling so sad for him, but so thankful that he had a job and was able to communicate his feelings and totally OK with telling people about his disability.  When I left I decided that the next time I go there I am going to thank the manager for hiring him.  I feel overwhelmed about his situation.  What happens to people with disabilities, that the government doesn't consider major, when their parents can't care for them or when their aid wears out?  What will happen to my little guy if he is not fully able to care for himself and I am not around?  While I don't want to worry about it because that will do no good at all, I do have to consider it and his future.  For now, I feel like the Lord has put it on my heart to really pray for that man.  I ask that you pray for him too and for all the people out there that need aid and aren't receiving it.  Before Jacob was diagnosed I never thought twice about any of this stuff.  Now, I feel like God is putting me in the path of people that I can learn from.  I just don't know how or what I can do about it.  For now, I am just arming people with information.  That's all I can do with everything going on right now, but I hope that making people aware will help in some way. 

Praying for you moms out there always.

The results are in and scary!

I just got off the phone with Dr. Melissa Jones, Jacob's neurologist.  She said that Jacob's blood work came back abnormal.  She said he showed elevated levels of almost everything and that the blood work needed to be repeated while fasting.  I can't remember if we were fasting the last time so we go back in tomorrow to the blood work that we did a few weeks ago.  Hopefully, this time the blood draw will go as smoothly as last time.  Remember, this is the blood work where they have to put the needle in, take the tourniquet off, wait 2 minutes, then take blood.  I asked her what diseases these tests were for exactly.  I have been doing a lot of research coming up with a thousand things and I wanted to be more clear as to what we were looking for.  She said that it tests for hundreds of diseases.  Additionally, that most of them are treatable.  In my mind treatable is a good thing, so I said that's good news right.  She said,"No.  We do not want him to have one of these diseases.  I know it sounds good that they're treatable, but they bring another number of problems.  Some of the diseases are life threatening and others will be difficult for him."  We are heading back to Texas Children's tomorrow.  I am feeling pretty sick right now.  I'm scared.  I'm feeling really scared. 
God in Heaven,
Please please please do not let Jacob have a horrible disease.  Sometimes I think that autism is all that I can handle.  I just don't know how to handle something that may take his life or threaten his quality of life.  I know that you'll equip me with what I need, but I am feeling so desperate right now.  I know that you are God and you have a greater plan for my family than I can possibly understand.  I am hurting and I just need you.  If its in your will, I just ask that you heal Jacob or that these tests were somehow wrong, but if its not I trust you. Thank you for my children, my husband, and my loving friends and family.

This song came on the radio right after I hung up.  I have never cried so hard.  I know the Lord sees me and loves me.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain


Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Waiting on the test results

The nurse from the neurologist's office called me Thursday and said that half of the metabolic testing was in and that the doctor was back in town on Friday and hopefully could read the results and call me, but if not would call me Monday after she read them.  Still waiting on that call.  He could potentially have some life altering disease and they have the results and just haven't gotten around to reading them. AH!!! This is torture.  Deciding to pray instead of OCDing about it.  lol.

There are only a few new developments with Jacob.  He still is not answering to his name at all.  He is eating some more textures and making better eye contact, though.  He seems to be trying to play with people more and has developed quite the temper.  He also seems to be stimming a lot more.

Stimming is so strange to me.  Its hard to get used to seeing Jacob flapping or scratching his hands on everything, arching his back, pushing his head against things, biting me when he is excited or anxious, rolling his eyes into the back of his head and, most recently, standing on his head.  He does it all day long.  ECI says that he is doing it either because he likes the sensation of being upside down or because he can put a lot of pressure on his head that way.  The sensation helps him to organize himself.  The therapist suggest I find a hat or beanie that is really tight and see if that helps.  Therapists, parents, and doctors have mixed feelings about stimming.  Its publicly awkward, they need to do it to relax, yet if they do it too much they aren't learning anything and in classroom settings it can be very distracting to other children.  So how do you decide how much is too much and what to do to help them feel better? I noticed a child that was autistic in a classroom setting a while back.  He was having a hard time.  Its so disheartening.  He could't focus or follow directions, his classmates couldn't stop staring, and the teachers didn't have the resources to help him.  Do you tell the parents that their kids are too disruptive to participate?  Do you let the teachers get stressed out every week and keep the kids in the class?  My heart aches about it.  In fact, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  I think about my Jakey and all the other kids with autism and the difficulties they face and the hardships their parents go through trying to get them involved in community activities.  Autism effects 1 in 110 kids.  That is a huge number.  I wonder why there aren't more resources for these kids.  I have decided to pray specifically for areas of support within the local churches.  Two of the therapists that my son sees told me that 95% of their clients with special needs children do not attend church because churches do not offer classes for special needs kids.  Parents of kids with diabetes, hemophilia, mental retardation, autism, physical disabilities, etc need special childcare workers to watch their kids.  These parents need to have a church family, being loved on, and need to be hearing the Word.  These parents need support and the freedom to worship where they can be fully attentive and not fearing for their child's safety.  I know that every church wants to offer these services, but may not have the ability or funding or resources.  I am going to try and help where I can within our childhood ministries.  Won't you ask your preacher or childcare director to see if anything can be done to accommodate special needs families?  I asked the director of childhood ministries in our church about it and now she is trying to implement a coaching program.  This is a volunteer who can follow a child into their class and care for them as needed.  While this is great for kids with mild disabilities, its not enough for others.  Hopefully one day we can even have a classroom to accommodate the more severe special needs children.  What an awesome thing that would be to offer to local families.  If you know how to work with special needs kids I encourage you to volunteer at your church.  Imagine the life change you could make in the lives of those families for just an hour and half of service.  Our Jacob doesn't need this kind of care yet, I don't know if he ever will, but I am so thankful that there may be something in place if he does. 

We sold our house! Not only did we sell it, but we got full asking price.  That rarely happens.  We are just so amazed.  God has been so awesome in blessing us through all of this.  This whole autism situation has been so humbling to my husband and I.  First of all, Jacob's therapy costs much more than a house note so we had to put our house for sale and sell basically anything of value that we owned to pay for doctors bills and therapy.  We are totally OK with that, don't get me wrong.  God provided this house and all our stuff so if we can't have it anymore that's OK too.  Cret has a great job, so we aren't going hungry or anything, we just can't afford two house notes (house + therapy).   It is humbling though.  We are grown ups moving in with my mom.  Of course we want our own place with privacy.  Luckily, my parents are so excited and we have a lot to offer them help wise so I think it will be a great thing for everyone.  Most importantly we can get Jacob the help he needs until he doesn't need it anymore or until something else comes up as a way to provide help. 

By the way, our team is still accepting donations for the Autism Speaks Walk on October 22.  All of the money donated goes to autism speaks to fund research and help families in need.  The webisite you go to in order to donate in Jacob's name is www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/houston/jacobhill We are very close to our $1,000 goal.  A huge thanks to all that attended my scentsy fundraiser in person or online.  That got us so close to meeting the goal!

I have to add a big enormous thank you.  We have recieved so much support in so many unexpected ways and we are beyond thankful and just in awe of how God has shown us His love through you all.  I don't really know what to say other than thank you.  All of the help and support and love has brought us so much joy and happiness and encouragement. 

This process is still tremendously difficult for me, I still go through days where I feel so alone and so helpless, but I know that the Lord is changing me so much.  I would have never thought twice about kids with special needs before.  In fact, it was hard for me to see past the day to day struggles of our family all together, much less any greater need.  True, I still let the difficulties of our situation get me down from time to time, but I'm much better at seeing God's hand at work now and just praying and letting it go.  Jacob is so wonderful and such a blessing.  I love him so much.  I just sit back and watch my children in amazement and filled with joy.  Jacob is a happy baby.  Jordan and Tyler are so happy. Autism isn't going to keep us down.  Finances aren't going to keep us down.  We trust in you, Lord.