Jacobs new school and new changes

Jacob has been attending his new clinic for a while now.  We have seen some incredible changes and some not so incredible changes.  For the last few months, they have been encouraging Jacob’s speech by giving him access to almost anything he wants if he uses full sentences…within reason of course.  So, if he picks up his books and asks to go do his work in a quieter room then they allow him to do so or if he asks to go see a specific teacher, they let him.  Because of this we have seen a dramatic increase in speech at home.  He still isn’t having conversational speech, but he is requesting things all the time with full sentences. 

There are still times when I ask about his day or how he feels and he looks at me and starts humming a song or he gives his usual answer and I wonder if he knows what I am asking or how to reply without the robotic “I am good, how are you” response.  We still aren’t sure how much he understands when it comes to things that aren’t concrete.  However, he does understand things like “go brush your teeth, hand me the soap, make your bed” and he listens to instructions very well.  He has even discovered his deepest love for the word NO. 

We are thrilled that he can tell people no and that he can tell us specific things about his day like when I asked him who bit him at school.  He couldn’t tell me that it hurt or made him sad, but he did tell me exactly who did it, and that was a huge win!  However, we have seen some unexpected behavior. Lately, he has been engaging in lots of stereotopy and hand flapping and imitating negative peer behavior since starting at the new school, including loud screaming fits.  He is typically a pretty chill kid, so this has been quite a difference.  He runs into the living room and jumps on my lap and yells silly made up words in my face over and over, which at first is very funny, but quickly becomes less than funny by the 100th time.  He screams when he goes into the bathroom for no reason and he uses his loudest voice to scream for things in the grocery store wondering why I am not caving to his every wish like the school is.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

It’s hard to remember to be thankful for the growth when the negative is so obtrusive.  While on vacation I finished a book called The Hiding Place and I was reminded of God’s call to be thankful in all circumstances, not just the good ones. 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

These women in a concentration camp trusted God so much that they gave thanks for fleas in their room before even knowing that those fleas would be what God used to keep the guards away.  It was so convicting to me.  Obviously, my situation pales in comparison to even a fraction of what these women went through, yet I struggle sometimes to see how much I have to be thankful for…especially when the roller coaster of autism is at a low point. 

In the book, when Corrie was unable to see how she could be thankful for fleas, her sister encouraged her.  When she was unable to see how she could forgive, her sister encouraged her.  Once again, I was reminded of how important Godly community is in my life.  Reading books like this, talking to my friends that pray for me and encourage me in Christ and leaning on friends from church means so much when I am struggling.  Pointing me back to the Lord and realizing that I am incapable of getting through this without Him is what I desperately need in my life.  One of my favorite quotes from Corrie Ten Boom was, “It is not my ability, but my response to God’s ability, that counts.”  In so many areas of my life, I feel I am not qualified, but God is.  If I am in His will, He will help me. 
I am so thankful for  my family, for Jacob, and for his autism.  I am thankful for my church and my friends.  I am thankful for this new clinic and Jacob talking so much more at home and becoming more expressive.  I am thankful he is saying NO more because that means he is expressing HIS feelings and not just what people tell him to think and do.  God is so good!

My prayer for you is that you find a community of believers to help you through life and to guide you back to Christ when times seem the most tough.  Even when you feel you can’t, try to give thanks.  There are ALWAYS things to be thankful for.  Allow God to give you a heart that genuinely beams with appreciation for all He has done.  

Numbered Pancakes

I decided to stop making numbered pancakes for Jacob this year.  I’ve made pancakes in the shape of the grade each of my kids are in for their first day of school for years.  It’s become such a tradition for my older son and daughter that they march right into the kitchen on their first day with huge expectant grins on their faces waiting to see their custom breakfast. 

  But for Jacob, I always just make his number and take a pic…knowing that he isn’t in that grade.  This year he would technically be classified in the 3rd grade (he's a summer baby). The closest thing we have to a “grade level” is at church where he just graduated the kindergarten class. We are hopeful that he will be able to remain in the 1st grade class.  It doesn’t have free time and the kind of structure that kinder did, so we still aren’t sure.  Jacob is super smart, but the idea of him growing up seeing these numbers that don’t apply to him made me sad.  Why have I continued to do that?  In my mind I have these silly expectations that really only bring heartache, all while I could be celebrating his unique talents.  

So, I made Jacob a big ole fat chocolate heart pancake this year.  A heart to represent how much we love Jacob just as he is.  A heart to represent how much we love his hard work and his silly personality.  A heart to represent that we will always accept him no matter where he stands educationally or how many milestones he’s met.  A heart to represent how much we love when he talks, sings, stems, and every other little thing about him.  A heart to show him that we can celebrate him just as he is. As he grows up and becomes more like the boy God created him to be and less like the boy I have envisioned or made up in my mind, I hope that I can continue to grow in my acceptance and understanding of him.  It’s not only ok that he doesn’t have a “grade” to fry up on the stovetop, it’s extraordinary.  He is unique and that’s something to celebrate!

Nowhere To Go

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”(Psalm 23:1–3)

Every now and then people tell me that I am a really strong mom.  I laugh and shrug and say thank you or try to explain that I'm really not.  But in all seriousness, I AM NOT STRONG!  Weeks like this past one literally bring me to knees.  I have crying fits or little freak outs every single time I am blind-sided by new challenges with autism.

Then I find myself faced with a decision.  The decision to linger there or the decision to turn to Christ.  Every single time something comes up I go through this. Every. Single. Time.

So, I have to pick myself up and beg for God to give me peace and wisdom.  I have to remind myself…scream to myself that God is good.  Then I have to put my money where my mouth is.  Will I trust that what God has planned for us is ultimately for our good and His glory, or will I not?  When there is literally nowhere to go, will I wait on the Lord and trust? There’s only one way that I know to fight my freak out thoughts and that’s with truth.

Yesterday I finally got to bring Jacob to a local ABA clinic to let him try out a social skills class.  Upon arriving I immediately knew that the class wasn’t right for him.  It was kids ages 6-12 that were all verbal and walking on their own and making decisions.  I told them they may need to drop him down to the lower class, but they insisted on taking him in to try.  Not long after, they let me know that the director had brought him to the 4-6-year-old class.  After attempting to participate, they let me know that he needed 1 to 1 and couldn’t be alone in a class like that.  These were not classes with typical peers, but classes for kids on the spectrum. My heart sank.

It’s not a huge surprise, although it was gut wrenching.  These classes are for kids on the spectrum, but he isn’t able to participate.  He still needs 1 to 1 ABA therapy to learn how to attend to a lesson, how to follow through with commands, how to be social, and especially language skills.

However, the clinic that Jacob attends (that is 1 on 1 ABA therapy) is drastically cutting his hours.  He is in a clinic that goes up to age 10. His therapist told me that because he is so old, there aren’t opportunities for him to learn from kids that are higher functioning there, so they feel that he needs more. The problem is that there isn’t a place for Jacob.

A public-school class is too language driven for him to understand it and a special education class wouldn’t move as fast academically as he needs.  Jacob learns skills very fast when he is shown the skill, but his language is severely lacking. It’s a very difficult thing to explain.  The clinic that he needs to be at still has a 18-24 month waiting period.  So here we are stuck in this weird place with nowhere to go, no classes that fit his need, and a huge reduction in ABA hours that 3 different clinics say he needs. It may not seem like a huge deal to others, but for me, realizing that we haven't come as far as I assumed we were and realizing we probably are not at the school where we need to be, is a really hard pill to swallow.

Last week we dealt with severe panic attacks at the clinic from rain, Jacob trying to rip a lightbulb out of a fixture and cutting himself, then finding Jacob in his bedroom with a huge bloody face with no known reason and he can’t verbalize what happened and now this huge cut in hours at the clinic. To top that off, he can’t participate in the social skills classes I have been waiting and hoping were right for him.

We are at a point where there is nowhere to go. At least, I have no idea what to do for him right now.  So today, I am praying this to myself. 

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”

(Psalm 23:1–3)

In the past, I’ve only ever read that as a sunshine and roses verse.  God does great things in our lives and our lives will be so happy and pretty and perfect.  But, that isn’t the promise from God.  In troubled times, God is my shepherd.  What more could I want than for God to lead me, to still me, to calm me, and to guide me into His will and for His purposes, even if I am in troubled times? 

Ultimately, Jacob’s treatment is not what I need most or even what Jacob needs most. We need Jesus most and we need to glorify God most.  So, I pray today that God gives me wisdom to know how to use this time of stand still to honor Him, reflect on Him, to love him deeper, and to trust in Him more.  I am thankful that God gives me so many hard and challenging opportunities to realize and feel my great need for Him.  I shall not want, because the Lord gives me everything I need for my good and for His glory, not everything in this moment to make me or Jacob comfortable and happy.

If you are struggling with current circumstances, I encourage you take this time to grow closer to God. If you do not know God and want to have a relationship with the Lord please know that you can.

The Bible says that God is the creator of all things.  He is holy, that means he is perfect. He has never sinned and will never sin.

Romans 1:20 For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.

However, the Bible says that man is sinful and in need of forgiveness from our rebellion against God.

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

The Bible says that the punishment for our sin is death; separation from God here on earth and for all eternity.  Because God is holy and just, our sin literally cuts us off from Him.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death

But God loves us so much that he didn’t leave us here in our depravity.  He gave us a way to reconcile our relationship with Him.  He gave us a way to be made holy in His eyes.  He sent His only son, Jesus, to come and live a perfect life, die on the cross to pay the punishment for our sin (past, present, and future) and conquer death by rising from the dead on the third day.

Romans 5:8  but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

If you believe this and confess Jesus is Lord of your life, you will have salvation.  You can be made right with God and have a personal relationship with God.  Confess your sin, repent and make Jesus the boss of your life and you can have salvation!

Romans 10:9-10 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.

Why is Easter Important?

Do you ever wonder why  Easter is so important? What does it say about God?  How does it affect us?  How should it change us?

A lot of people know it is the observation of Jesus’ death on the cross, but don’t really know why that’s so important.

I blog about Jesus and His salvation, how HE alone gets me through this life with hope and joy, so I wanted to share with you about how you can have that same hope and joy and salvation.

The Bible says that God is the creator of all things.  He is holy, that means he is perfect. He has never sinned and will never sin. 

Romans 1:20

20 For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.

However, the Bible says that man is sinful and in need of forgiveness from our rebellion against God.

Romans 3:23 

²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

The Bible says that the punishment for our sin is death; separation from God here on earth and for all eternity.  Because God is holy and just, our sin literally cuts us off from Him.

Romans 6:23

²³ For the wages of sin is death

But God loves us so much that he didn’t leave us here in our depravity.  He gave us a way to reconcile our relationship with Him.  He gave us a way to be made holy in His eyes.  He sent His only son, Jesus, to come and live a perfect life, die on the cross to pay the punishment for our sin (past, present, and future) and conquer death by rising from the dead on the third day.

Romans 5:8 

⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

If you believe this and confess Jesus is Lord of your life, you will have salvation.  You can be made right with God and have a personal relationship with God.  Confess your sin, repent and make Jesus the boss of your life and you can have salvation!

Romans 10:9-10

⁹ because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.¹⁰ For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.

For me, the severity of my sin was enormous. The depths of hurt and pain from sin was so profound and my rebellion from the Lord seemed too far for forgiveness.  However, Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross was so much bigger.  God, in His perfection, created a way for our forgiveness and reconciliation to Him.  Because He is perfect, I trust His perfect plan for my life, no matter what that means.  Because of His sovereignty over all things, I have hope that life is bigger than me and that the future is filled with HIS magnificent glory. That joy supersedes circumstances. In fact, the forgiveness that I have received, though I never deserved, is so sweet and so wonderful it changed my heart.  The Lord literally gave me a new heart.

I urge you to seek the Lord.  Cry out to God and ask for forgiveness.  Confess and turn from your sin and ask for Jesus to be your Lord.

I pray for your salvation. I know many of you are hurting.  Struggling through constant trials, seeing your children suffering, and being a full-time caretaker is hard.  Life can be incredibly hard.  While becoming a Christian doesn’t promise you a life of ease, it does promise you a life of purpose, hope, and joy despite those burdens.  I know personally that in my sin, I was completely desperate and lost.  I was searching for joy, but everything fell short.  Surrendering my life to the Lord and serving the Lord brought me peace and more joy than I could’ve imagined.  My struggles and fears pale in comparison to God’s power and peace.

Romans 15:13 

¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

When you feel like you can’t ask for prayer anymore, ask anyways

I sat there in my bible study group a few weeks ago wondering if I should ask for prayer again..for the same old prayer request I've had for 7 years now.  I wondered if I needed to bring up one of the many current dilemmas we are experiencing from autism to feel like I had a valid reason for asking for that same prayer again and again.  I wondered if I should even ask for prayer again at all.  And then at another meeting the thought crossed my mind, "Should I bring this up again?" But there I was with everyone looking at me waiting to hear my prayer request and I couldn't help but to burst out in tears.  It's tiring to be a full time caretaker.  Its tiring to worry about safety all the time.  It's tiring to worry about education and speech and doctors appointments and anxiety all the time.  And it's tiring to feel like I shouldn't ask for that same prayer again and again. 

BUT I need prayer.  I need the same prayer over and over.  Prayer to remain faithful in the hard times, to continue leaning on God and focusing on God, prayer for endurance and long-suffering, prayer for Jacob to continue growing and learning, prayer for my marriage and my kids, and prayer through the really challenging times. 

In past studies, I have learned that the purpose of prayer is primarily to learn more about God.  It's also our way to honor and praise Him, to make requests or supplications, our way to hear from Him and so much more.  So I wonder why I keep feeling like I'm such a burden or nag to keep asking.

It made me wonder if other people feel the same. Do you struggle with asking for the same prayer request again and again?  Do you also feel awkward when people ask how the situation is going, knowing that it hasn't gotten better and sometimes its worse?  I know for me its hard to be real and say that things are still a struggle at times.  I think people find it uncomfortable to know that things aren't getting any better.  They want a response that things are improving when, at best, things are the same.

But the truth is, while my situation isn't getting any easier, my walk with the Lord absolutely can become more intimate, my joy in the Lord can become stronger, and I NEED to know more about God. I need to know more about His sovereignty, especially when going through life long challenges.  To give God glory throughout the trials in a genuine way, I have to know and trust who God is.  That only comes through prayer and study. 

We need to seek his face and ask others to help us seek Him and know Him more.

So I want to encourage you, when you feel like you can't possibly ask for the same prayer again, to ask anyways.  People that love us will want to know that our situation is still demanding, tiring, and difficult. People that love us and love God know that we need Him more than anything else...more than health, comfort, etc.  

So I did it. At the meeting, I asked again for that same prayer and I cried (too much).  As they prayed over me, I thanked the Lord for the encouragement.  I pray for encouragement for moms feeling this same way.  I pray you find the courage to ask for "that" prayer request again and again, knowing that you NEED to know God more.