We are a few weeks in now and I must say that life with Reid has gotten A LOT easier. Walking with Reid has become pretty normal. Its much simpler than wrestling with Jacob. We have seen Reid protect Jacob while crossing streets and he even saved Jacob from a car the other day. We were headed out of Costco and the wind started blowing. Anyone that knows Jacob, knows that the wind is his mortal enemy. He flung his arms all around and took off running behind us towards moving cars. I made Reid stop, which stopped Jacob in his tracks before getting in front of the car. It was a pretty cool moment.
Actually, every moment with Reid has been pretty cool. The biggest thing is that Jacob is walking by himself! He has independence and he is so proud. Jacob’s therapists say that they have never seen Jacob happy like he is now. I am so grateful. I had to remind myself to just breath and take it all in and relax. The crisis of a new dog and new rules and new schedule was over.
Funny how right when one thing ends another begins, right? I’m sure you ASD moms get it. Last week we took Jacob to another BCBA to get an evaluation for an academic program (because he is really behind) only to hear that he isn’t ready for all the academics because his language comprehension isn’t age appropriate. Unfortunately, the clinic he attends only goes up so far and doesn’t work on the high functioning language and reading comprehension issues due to insurance. That leaves us paying out of pocket for a really incredible, but really expensive BCBA. Sometimes I wish for things to just be easy for a bit…for there to be a time without crisis or struggle… But right when I needed it, I heard from God.
‘Fear God, wait for the Lord’
This past Sundays sermon really hit home for me as a special need momma. The sermon wasn’t geared particularly at this, but if you, like me, live in either a constant state of crisis or the next crisis is just waiting to happen I urge you to listen to the sermon here: https://www.ebcnorthhouston.com/isaiah-812
11 For the Lord spoke thus to me with his strong hand upon me, and warned me not to walk in the way of this people, saying: 12 “Do not call conspiracy all that this people calls conspiracy, and do not fear what they fear, nor be in dread. 13 But the Lord of hosts, him you shall honor as holy. Let him be your fear, and let him be your dread. 14 And he will become a sanctuary and a stone of offense and a rock of stumbling to both houses of Israel, a trap and a snare to the inhabitants of Jerusalem. 15 And many shall stumble on it. They shall fall and be broken; they shall be snared and taken.”
In a time of crisis God reminds us to honor him as holy and to fear and dread him. What an interesting thing to do in a time of crisis.
“Do not call conspiracy all that this people calls conspiracy” instead “him you shall honor as holy”
I can’t count the times that I have tried to blame someone or something or mostly myself or my past sin for Jacob’s autism. Guilt and anger can creep up in my heart and steal my joy and test my faith. As my pastor suggested, it is usually because I get scared and I want to find some order in the chaos of it all. But God is sovereign over all things. I recognized that every time I start to question ‘why’ or those thoughts of blame and conspiracy creep in, I need to study God’s word and to be reminded who he is and that he is in control of everything that happens. Jacob’s autism was not a surprise to God. The struggles our family faces are not a surprise to God. The opposite is true, nothing happens without God’s consent. That truth alone gives me comfort. As a believer, I know that God wants good for me. His good may not look like my good, but I am so thankful for even that. His plan and purpose aren’t limited to my understanding or desires or definition of good and that gives me hope. God, in his infinite sovereignty and goodness and justice and love, allowed Jacob to have autism. He has a plan for our lives and that plan is obviously bigger than mine. His authority can be trusted. Because of that truth I have joy despite the times of real struggle in our lives. God is holy.
“…do not fear what they fear, nor be in dread” instead “Let him be your fear, and let him be your dread”
If I’m being honest, what haven’t I feared when it comes to Jacob? I have feared for his safety, his health, his happiness, his learning, what people think of him, what people think of me, am I sharing too much, is the sharing helping, do people think I am an idiot (probably)…I have dreaded the future for him, I dreaded the future for my marriage (will we always be caregivers, will we get vacations alone, etc.)…the list goes on and on. Usually I try to nip that fear and dread right away. Although those fears are usually fleeting and I try not to let the fear influence my behavior, I am certainly not perfect. It is hard not to fear men. Its hard not to fear a lot of things and its hard not to dread the future sometimes. But, God says we should only fear and dread him. I loved that my pastor explained the freedom and confidence you can have when you no longer fear the world, but only fear God. He said that God will replace fear and dread with hope and peace. We fear God because he is holy and perfect and just and we want to be holy imitators of him, not slaves to the world. When we fear the things of God, all the things of the world are put in to perspective. We dread the future without a saving faith in Jesus because we are separated from God in this life and the afterlife because of our sin. God is so holy and sin cannot be in his presence. Therefore, we cannot be in his presence because we are sinners. But God sent his son Jesus to live a blameless life and die on the cross to pay our punishment for sin. That price was paid in full on the cross and when Jesus died and rose from the grave he conquered sin and death once and for all. If you believe this and surrender your life to Jesus, God forgives all your sin past present and future and you can be in right relationship with him. We fear/ dread God because he is the creator of all the universe to which we owe all. When you have Jesus as your foundation, nothing, no crisis, no diagnosis, nothing will shake you. Your fear is replaced with true hope because God is bigger than your crisis.
God is big enough to get me through any crisis that comes up and he is big enough to do the same for you. Trust in the Lord “ And he will become a sanctuary and a stone of offense” for you in your time of struggle. God doesn’t promise that you will be crisis-free as a believer, but he walk with you through anything and he will give you comfort and true hope.
If you need prayer or if you want to know more about becoming a Christian please email me atand I would love to talk about it with you and pray for you.