Frustrations

Since my whole purpose of writing this blog is to just let other moms dealing with this issue not feel alone I have to discuss something that has been bothering me.  There are so many people that keep telling me that Jacob is normal.  Not just that they hope he is ok, but that I am wrong.  Since we don't have a diagnosis I can't back my feelings up with that.  They look at him and then ask me in a "questioning my intelligence" manner, "Why do you think he's autistic? He looks so normal" or "I don't think he is autistic, he is probably just shy."  While I know they mean no harm, it hurts.  It hurts because sometimes I listen to them.  I start to question my judgement and then I think to myself...Nothings wrong.  Whats wrong with me?  Why have I been thinking he is autistic.  Maybe he is just a little slow.  No one else sees it so maybe I am paranoid.  Everyone always jokes that I am way to over protective.  Then reality hits....again.  I start to really watch him, read up on milestones and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again.  I get overwhelmed.  I get sad.  I get anxious.  I have decided that God gave me this child.  He didn't give him to anyone else and I am trusting my feelings.  I have prayed and prayed and in my heart I know something is wrong.  I strongly feel Jacob is autistic.  With that, I also know that the people questioning me are doing so because they love me.  They love Jacob and they don't want to see him as "not normal".  So I have decided to take it with a grain of salt.  I am not going to question myself anymore because I am Jacobs mom and I know best.  I will trust my instinct and listen to people knowing that they are just saying these things because they love me so much.  I have to accept that something is wrong with Jacob so I don't keep living on this rollercoaster.  I have to get out of this funk, sadness, and grief and just fight for him and get him help.  The Lord is so awesome to give me friends that love me so much they just can't see Jacob as different.  Thank you Lord for my friends. 

Texas Childrens!!!! Why?

I feel like SCREAMING!!!  The wait for the meyer center at Texas Childrens is over a year! I have emailed and called any and everyone that I thought could maybe help speed it up with no luck.  I called Humble pediatrics and told them.  I can not wait a year to get him into a doctor.  There is no way for them to speed that wait time up either so they gave me a referral to a neurologist in the mean time.  I am hoping that she can do some of the same testing that the meyer center does.  Now I will wait, pray, and hope that she has some answers. 

Dr. Butler

We had our extended appointment with Dr. Butler today.  My mom took off work to come with me.  We came prepared with a list of milestones that a 1 year old should have reached and were ready to discuss all of our concerns.  Dr. Butler walked into the office aware of why I was there (to discuss the possibility of autism) and started interacting with Jacob.  After that we started telling her all of our concerns.  She told me that she could tell there were problems right away before I even listed them out.  He isn't intimidated by strangers and wasn't even aware that she came in.  He didn't make good eye contact.  He does look at people sometimes, but it isn't that real connection.  So after much discussion she suggested that we see a developmental pediatrician at Texas Childrens Hospital.  She said that it does seem like either a neurological or genetic disease or autism.  She didn't give us a diagnosis, but at least we will be going somewhere that we can get one.  I'm really excited to finally get help, but I feel so so sad.  I feel sad for Jakey.  I want him to have a normal life or even just a full life.  I am scared because there is so much unknown about autism.  Almost everything I research contradicts other research.  I am praying for wisdom.  God, please help me to know which doctors to send Jacob to in order to get him the best treatment.  Thank you for blessing me with this child.