Friday, July 22, 2011


Since my whole purpose of writing this blog is to just let other moms dealing with this issue not feel alone I have to discuss something that has been bothering me.  There are so many people that keep telling me that Jacob is normal.  Not just that they hope he is ok, but that I am wrong.  Since we don't have a diagnosis I can't back my feelings up with that.  They look at him and then ask me in a "questioning my intelligence" manner, "Why do you think he's autistic? He looks so normal" or "I don't think he is autistic, he is probably just shy."  While I know they mean no harm, it hurts.  It hurts because sometimes I listen to them.  I start to question my judgement and then I think to myself...Nothings wrong.  Whats wrong with me?  Why have I been thinking he is autistic.  Maybe he is just a little slow.  No one else sees it so maybe I am paranoid.  Everyone always jokes that I am way to over protective.  Then reality hits....again.  I start to really watch him, read up on milestones and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again.  I get overwhelmed.  I get sad.  I get anxious.  I have decided that God gave me this child.  He didn't give him to anyone else and I am trusting my feelings.  I have prayed and prayed and in my heart I know something is wrong.  I strongly feel Jacob is autistic.  With that, I also know that the people questioning me are doing so because they love me.  They love Jacob and they don't want to see him as "not normal".  So I have decided to take it with a grain of salt.  I am not going to question myself anymore because I am Jacobs mom and I know best.  I will trust my instinct and listen to people knowing that they are just saying these things because they love me so much.  I have to accept that something is wrong with Jacob so I don't keep living on this rollercoaster.  I have to get out of this funk, sadness, and grief and just fight for him and get him help.  The Lord is so awesome to give me friends that love me so much they just can't see Jacob as different.  Thank you Lord for my friends. 

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