..."Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."Luke 22:42
It pulls at my heart in a way I can't explain each and every time I read this. Not my will, but yours.... How many times have I prayed this? Hundreds. How many times, though, have I prayed this and still really believed and prayed for God's will to be my own? Hundreds. I know I can hope for Jacob to get better, but I want to have a heart that truly desires Gods will and not my own, even at the expense of Jacob remaining disabled. How can I allow God to use his autism for His glory truly if I don't even believe his autism is Gods plan for us, at least for now? I guess it boils down to trusting God and being content. I want to fully trust in God and His plan.
Thinking about trusting God and who He is and what He has done brought another thought to my mind, that I just couldn't shake. Who is this Jesus that I am trusting? Well, he is holy, righteous, perfect, loving, powerful, mighty, infallible, miraculous, just to name a few. But as Jesus was in agony (which as we discussed in Bible Study showed his humanity) awaiting his death and about to endure something so horrific words cannot even do it justice, He prayed "not my will, but yours". WOW! He could have saved himself so easily, but chose to die and let His Father's will be done. Yeah baby, that's the God I serve! That's the powerful, brave, and mighty God I need to put my full trust in. It just amazes me that I so easily forget what He had to endure and so quickly think that what I am going through or what Jacob will go through is so hard and unfair. Changing my heart to a heart of thankfulness has proven to be a challenge during all this with Jacob, but BOY do I need to. The more I discover about God the more I see how blessed I am and how AWESOME HE IS! So while I know I will have more heartaches through this journey with little Jacob I just ask that if you know me and I am complaining or sad, kindly remind me of the God I serve and the God that loves me. Hopefully that should remind me that while I can be sad, I need to remain thankful and trusting in Him. Remind me about what Jesus was about to endure and how he responded. I want to boldly and bravely and honestly say to God "Father please heal Jacob, but if that is not your will, please let yours be done".
I love being a mom, even a mom of an autistic child. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but its worth every second. Thank you JESUS for these children. Thank you JESUS for suffering the cross and conquering death for our salvation. Thank YOU!!!
While I'm in a delightfully happy mood I would like to also list out some great improvements that Jacob has made. Jacob will on demand repeat dada, a, u, and hum the uh oh tune. He doesn't yet know what dada is, but I am so happy that he is repeating after us!!! He also is beginning to look for the milk pec to point to it when he is thirsty. During therapy, he will put a ball in a bucket when I say "put in" and most of the time will take it out when I say "take out". He will drive a car the proper way when I show him how and say "do this". He also will clap when I ask him to most of the time and he can distinguish a few items by name. We are working on him holding a crayon and marking on paper, but he isn't there yet. He pops balloons on the IPAD that was donated to us and is working on counting games, which is a big step since at first he only wanted to put his feet on it.... So he is learning and moving forward, very slowly, but indeed moving forward. I am so thankful for that. We haven't received the results of the fragile X test, but I really am not expecting it be fragile X at all so I haven't been nervous. Thank you for your continued prayers. I pray for every mommy of a disabled child every single day. My heart goes out to you more than you know.